Early in my racing career I was directed to the Truesport columns of Mark Swartzendruber (Verizon Wireless), and I’ve never been the same. His race reports are not only the funniest cycling writing around, but they are also reliable sources of insight, racing wisdom and even sound relationship advice. It was from him, after all, that I learned the concept of the feckless weenie, thus beginning a long-simmering bias against sprinters and other squatters.

Swartzendruber, 46, is of course more than just a humorist. He’s also one of the region’s strongest time trialists. It’s not unusual for him to show up at spring time trials and score not only the fastest time but, by racing in multiple categories, the second- and third-fastest as well, and twice he has earned silver medals at masters national championships. In 2008 he was our state champion in the road race (40+) and the time trial (40+ and P/1/2), and in 2009 he has picked up masters criterium wins at Cobb Park and Wood Dale.

This summer he is gets into the race-promotion game with this weekend’s Tour de Champaign (online registration closes tonight) and August’s Druber’s 40K Time Trial Challenge, where riders beating their host’s time get a $50 bonus.

The financial adviser and Cubs fan has long been Downstate’s problem, but soon he and his wife are moving to Chicago. This week I checked in with the Druber to find out more about what’s in store for us. He can always be counted on for a unique point of view on a variety of issues, and he did not disappoint.

If I smoke more cigars, drink more bourbon and marry a lovelier woman, will I go faster? Seems to work OK for you.
I wouldn’t recommend anyone follow the training regimen I undertake.  It’s been known to break some very hard men. Everyone needs to find a training program that works for them.

Seriously, most of us so high-strung from all the training and attendant self-denial that we show up at races wan and cranky. Yet you seem to actually being enjoying yourself. What’s the secret to performing well and still enjoying the good life?
Interesting question. Of all the sports I’ve done in my life, `I genuinely enjoy riding my bike, so I never “train.” I just ride a lot and enjoy it, and I guess because I ride a lot, I race well.’ cyclists are by far a breed of athlete that takes themselves far too seriously. This is especially true of masters guys.  The ones who say “I only do this for fun” are most often the worst offenders.

I genuinely enjoy riding my bike, so I never “train.” I just ride a lot and enjoy it, and I guess because I ride a lot, I race well and I’m a pretty low-key guy by nature.

What kind of writing background do you have?
None really.  I mostly steal ideas from that grumpy curmudgeon, the Right Rev. William H Stone (Labor Power), who also writes on Truesport.

You once played professional baseball. How far did you get?
I played a couple of seasons of short-season ball with a non-affiliated minor league team. We played everyone from rookie league teams to AA teams.  I was a catcher with a great arm and a mediocre bat.

You got into racing fairly late. Do you ever wonder how you’d have turned out if you’d started as a junior? Ever think you coulda been a contender?
I’ve been told by people who may know a thing or two about cycling that I would have made a pretty decent classics rider, but I really don’t dwell too much on “what ifs.” I’m just enjoying the ride and glad I got into cycling at all.

Everything I know about the baseball life I learned from “Bull Durham.” How do you compare the clubhouse atmosphere with the camaraderie we get in racing and on group rides?
Baseball players aren’t the brightest lot you’ll ever run into so most of the conversation centered on farts and beer.  Cyclists talk about themselves and need positive affirmation from others much more than baseball players did.  The race recaps and normalized power readings are almost unbearable, which is why I ride by myself most of the time.  I don’t do this sport for social reasons.

It’s interesting that you say you like to ride alone, since you’re one of the more gregarious guys around.  `I’ve always been a person who wants to go to the highest level I can at whatever it is I’m doing.’If not the social aspects, what motivates you to endure everything that cycling entails? If it’s just exercise and competition, why not tennis or poker? I hear they’re very safe.
I genuinely like and enjoy people -- even cyclists!  That doesn’t mean I need to have people around me when I ride.  I can get more done to improve and maintain my race readiness on my own than when I’m sitting in the middle of a group ride listening to some guy telling me about his normalized power reading from the masters crit he did last weekend.

I’ve never considered the stuff it takes to be a good athlete something to be “endured.” When I played minor league baseball or football and basketball in high school or golf (I was once a 2 handicap golfer), I found the time spent alone working on fundamentals (ball handling, footwork, putting, chipping, free throws, swing fundamentals, etc.) to be infinitely more valuable than the scrimmages or games.

You’ve made mention of a breed of racer known as the “professional Cat 3.” What’s your call for when it’s time to upgrade from 3 to 2? After working so hard to become competitive, why on earth would someone want to be pack fodder all over again?
Another idea stolen from Rev. Billy.  I’ve always been a person who wants to go to the highest level I can at whatever it is I’m doing, and I can’t understand anyone who would want to stop somewhere short of that. Anyone who is consistently dominating the races in a category is ready to move up to the next level.

How are you adjusting to life in the city? Have you gotten mugged yet?
We’re not moving until late August.  I’m actually looking forward to my first mugging.

Speaking of muggings, by now you’ve already paid thousands of dollars in city taxes. My understanding is that approximately 87 cents of every tax dollar is going to the Olympic bid. How does that make you feel? We’ll at least get a velodrome out of it, right?
What’s a velodrome?

For cyclists, which is the bigger menace: urban/suburban drivers in their SUVs, trying to go 50 mph and not spill their lattes, or rural drivers in their pick-up trucks trying not to spill their High Lifes?
Neither.  The biggest menace to cyclists are coaches who bilk them out of thousands of dollars a year.

What do you have against the coaching racket?
I think I have more against the rubes who pay the coaches than the coaches.  I lump a lot of these guys into the same category as as people who shell out thousands to televangelists, snake oil salesmen, colon-cleanse hucksters and senators.  They’re buying false hopes.

There are legitimate coaches who definitely help riders improve by spending time to get to know them. Curtis Tolson (Texas Roadhouse) `I’m not big on group rides because so many people do them in lieu of racing. I guess I’m not as impressed as I should be about winning sprints to the yellow “stop ahead” signs.’and Robbie Ventura (Vision Quest) come to mind (not an exhaustive list), but for the most part “periodization, A-B-C races and power profiling” for guys who are doing 45-minute crits is complete piffle.

Once you’re settled into the North Side, any chance we’ll see you our favorite North Shore rides, like Judson or the Wednesday night Midweekegem?
I’m sure I’ll try the group rides out, but again, I do most of my riding alone or with one or two others.  In general I’m not big on group rides because so many people do them in lieu of racing. I guess I’m not as impressed as I should be about winning sprints to the yellow “stop ahead” signs.

Many of us like to start sentences with, “What promoters ought to do is ...” So it’s always nice when a team steps up to throw a race, because it’s a chance to put their money where their yappy mouths are. What are some of the finer touches we should expect from Verizon Wireless and Wild Card at this weekend’s Tour de Champaign?
The prize lists are high, the amenities are going to be really nice: trophies, medals, flowers to the winners, hot podium girls, good venues for the races and live music to give you something to do before or after your races.  Downtown Champaign is a very happening and lively place with great restaurants and pubs.

You’re going up against some big events in Chicago that weekend. Tell me why we should drive three hours for an untested race.
The races will start on time.  The races won’t be shortened, and our prize money checks won’t bounce.

Finally, some financial advice. Which investment offers the best dividends: $5,000 on a bike on which to chase $100 payouts and sunglasses primes? Or $5,000 in a Bernie Madoff hedge fund?
What kind of idiot would spend $5,000 on a bike?